I’ve had a bit of a break from blogging whilst I’ve been spending the last few months enjoying my new family/getting used to motherhood/trying to figure out who the fuck I even am anymore.
It’s been quite a journey and I guess I feel like I’ve come so far even though actually I’m still right at the beginning.
The truth is I’ve been trying to write this for a while, but nothing I write seems to be able to encompass the circus of emotion that is new motherhood.
Some days I feel more content then I ever have in my life, and I feel this sense of inner peace when I look at my little family, other days I look around and think “How am I going to do this for the rest of my life?” there’s no way to tell when I’m going to have one type of day or another.
Sometimes I feel like I can achieve anything and other days I wonder if I’m suffering with PND
Some days I love my husband more than I ever thought possible and other days I think we will be divorced before our son’s first birthday.
I’ve never had a huge amount of confidence but I was always really independent and I wasn’t prepared for new motherhood to strip me of the confidence and independence I did have and make me feel so vulnerable and dependant on others. I find if my husband is being supportive and loving than I feel like I can conquer the world, but if my husband and I are bickering or arguing then I feel like I can’t cope with life, I’m learning to get past that and slowly get my independence back but it’s been tough. Doing things for the first time with a baby in tow are incredibly daunting, but I’m getting there, one step at a time.
Somedays I hate the way I look and am desperate to lose the baby weight and sort myself out but other days I don’t care and am happy with who I am.
Sometimes I’m so tired I feel so stressed and all I want to do is sleep and other days I feel like I could climb a mountain.
Some moments I will sit on the sofa and sob at the smallest thing and the next moment I’ll be dancing around with my baby in my arms singing him Neil Young songs.
Sometimes I worry about my career and how we will afford to live our lives, other days I just live in the moment and trust that it will all be ok.
I guess the truth is all new mums feel a bit like this, I am really lucky to have 3 people who I love and trust who gave birth to babies in the same week that I did so I have a wonderful network of people who are going through exactly the same things I am. The days that I see them are the best days, we have fun. I feel chilled, we help each other, sympathise and laugh together about the trials and tribulations and I love watching our babies grow together. I try and fill my time so I don’t have too much time at home on my own as it can be very lonely and that’s when I start feeling depressed.
You’d be forgiven for thinking I make it sound horrible. But the truth is it’s not, at all. I love being a mum, being a mum is hard but also absolutely the best. I adore watching my little man smile and play and develop new skills and I love spending my days with him. I don’t enjoy getting woken up at 5am but it’s all worth it when I see his little excited smile when he sees me peering into his crib in the mornings. Sure I’m exhausted at times but it won’t be forever (and thankfully I have one that sleeps well at least half the time)
I remember all those months I tried to get pregnant and all of the disappointments and feel incredibly lucky that I have my little bundle here with me.
People have been saying to me that I’m a natural mum, and I have to say I didn’t feel it at first, but I do feel that looking after my little boy is getting more and more natural everyday. Some days I feel like I’m doing a great job and other days I just want the ship him off to nannys so I can just rest and feel like me again, so every now and then I do just that, but having time to myself is actually an important part of self care and makes me a better mum, I make mistakes, get stressed and I definitely get it wrong sometimes. But I haven’t yet felt like a bad mum, because I know I’m doing my best, which is all I can do and that’s good enough for me, and I’m pretty sure it’s good enough for my son too….