My son was born at 2.30 in the afternoon. That night there was the biggest storm I’d ever seen, I laid in my hospital bed in the middle of the night, unable to move much due to the pain of having a c section, feeling completely out of it because of all the drugs I’d had pumped into me throughout my long labour, holding my newborn human in my arms, watching as the lightning streaked through the window, the thunder rumbled and crashed and the hail hammered against the hospital windows and roof wondering what on earth our lives would be now and who in the world this little baby boy would become.
He had a crazy startle reflex that meant his arms would fly up above his head like some sort of otherworldly Greek god every time the thunder clapped or the rain got louder. Unbeknown to me at the time, whilst I sat quietly holding my baby in a dark hospital ward, my husband was celebrating the birth of his first son with a friend, who decided that our baby was to be nicknamed Thor. It seems fairly fitting to me….
Thor brings the thunder.
By the time I got out of hospital 48 hours later, a total lack of sleep, too much information from midwives, Thor crying all night long and being stuck in an uncomfortably hot hospital ward had all contributed to making me feel totally miserable and insane. My husband was so excited to have a son he couldn’t contain himself, he couldn’t put the baby down and was irritatingly happy. I couldn’t think of anything but sleep. I looked at my baby, who I’d grown and nurtured in my tummy for all this time, worried about and dreamed of meeting and wondered why my heart wasn’t bursting with love. It wasn’t like I didn’t love him, but I didn’t know him, and I was so sleep deprived by that point I kinda felt nothing. I just wanted to sleep.
A long and difficult labour had meant I’d not slept for 4 days by the time my son was born. I was exhausted and couldn’t see past my tiredness and worried that I would never feel anything else ever again.
My first day at home I cried, in fact I cried every day, I couldn’t breastfeed and I felt like a failure, by day 3 I felt like I wasn’t cut out to be a mum and I’d made a huge mistake – too late now – I gave up trying to breastfeed and decided to express as much milk as I could. My husband cleaned the house and fed the baby and I had cuddles with Thor as much as possible and tried to not feel like a terrible mother.
It was all a blur of feeding, bum changing, tears, (both mine and Thors) worry, visitors and not enough sleep and feeling overwhelmed and terrified.
On day 4 something just clicked, we closed the door to visitors for the day, saw our midwife, I stopped worrying about breastfeeding and we spent the evening as a family, me and my husband sat on the same sofa whilst Thor slept peacefully on my chest and our faithful pup slept at my feet, all felt calm and very very content and I suddenly realised I could do it. On day 4 I fell in love..
We’re now on day 11 and the roller coaster continues, Somedays I feel like superwoman and others I feel like I just feel like I want to shit out the world.
But each day my confidence grows, my love grows and the more I get to know my sweet little Thor. I can’t wait to see what he is going to become!
The adventure has begun….