A Blank Canvas…

So as the year draws to a close I’m thinking about new beginnings, I guess everyone is in one way or another.

I really wanted our last Christmas as a footloose and fancy free couple to be extra special, sadly it was just a bit disappointing and I was a bit miserable,but as my sister says, it’s just the universe telling me I’m ready for the change.

My thoughts are hard to organise at the moment. We started this year in a state of chaos and crisis after a family suffered near fatal and life changing injuries in a terrible accident. The beginning of the year was a journey into the unknown and it’s turned out to be that in every way possible for me.

I left my career in the arts, a move which hasn’t really worked out as I find my normal job soul destroying, but it has meant I’ve had more time for family, friends, other commitments, I’ve got a qualification in counselling, I’ve moved house and of course the major change for me, I fell pregnant with my first child.

It’s been a funny old year as my mother says. My life has changed almost beyond recognition, everything that I took for granted, my security and in a way my identity has changed, my family has changed, my career has changed, where I live has changed….mostly the way I think has changed in lots of ways…

It hasn’t been an easy year. I’ve suffered a bit of an identity crisis about putting my career on hold, but ultimately I know it was the right thing to do and I have plenty of time to figure out what to do next.

My mental health hasn’t been great this year either lots of change and uncertainty has made this year an emotional rollercoaster. I spent the first half of the year with decreasing hope of ever falling pregnant which made me so miserable, to finally fall in the summer and now I’m so excited for the future, but as my thoughts turn to buggys, sleepyheads and breastfeeding the excitement comes with a certain amount of fear, apprehension, slightly crazy hormonal changes that make me cry at adverts and not know what I’m feeling from one day to the next…. a rollercoaster indeed.

I really haven’t had a lot of time to stop and think too much about things, which in a way is a good thing, life moves and changes and as my identity changes from a career driven theatre manager to a mum to be I realise that I don’t have to be labelled or pigeon holed into one category or another. I can be whoever the fuck I like, whatever I want to be… I don’t really know what sort of a mum I’m going to be yet but that’s ok, I’ll find out soon enough, and I don’t know what sort of career I’ll have when I go back to work, but that’s ok too, I’ve got a year to figure it out. There is a certain amount of fear and anxiety that comes with all of this but I think it’s so exciting to be entering a new year where everything is up for grabs, I can’t wait….

5 thoughts on “A Blank Canvas…

  1. Just hold on tight and enjoy the ride. Life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes you go fast and hang upside down. Sometimes it goes slow just to give you a chance to catch your breath and then off it goes again.
    This last year has been changing for me too. My kids are older . I’ve left my job. Now thinking about the next step.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Keep on Rolling Baby, keep on rolling…. one day at a time! Sometimes one hour at a time, I think, depending all! I always say…. “Today is the Day” and make it the best Day possible! Thinking of you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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