Today I’m failing at life, I’m emotional, full of self loathing, everything I see around me is black. I’m wondering what the point of it all is. My job is miserable and I’m not capable of doing anything else. I feel trapped. Nothing ever goes my way, I’m not capable of achieving my dreams and I’m going to feel underachieved and sad forever. I don’t deserve good things.
2 days ago my life situation was exactly the same, but I felt just great about it. My job was ok and the world was my lobster. There were so many opportunities out there, I was positive, grateful and happy, so what’s changed to cause this catastrophic mood swing?
….I haven’t had enough sleep,
sleep deprivation for me is an absolute catalyst for depression and anxiety. I had a couple of nights this week of broken sleep and then a night of hardly any, and I’m feeling the effects. Sleep is the single most important thing for my mental and physical wellbeing. I value it above all else for self care. Without sleep my body obviously suffers physically, I ache and am slow and in my mind I lose all capacity for reason, am unable to think rationally about the smallest things.
My legs work hard, I can’t drive so I rely on my legs to carry me wherever I go, I need to look after them, if they don’t get enough time to recharge and rest then they don’t work properly, they don’t want to carry the weight anymore.
It’s the same with the mind. I have billions of thoughts a day, it can be hard work for my mind to rationalise those silly thoughts that pop in and to turn the negative ones into positives, to just simply shuffle and file everyday thoughts to keep my mouth on track and stop it blurring out the wrong thing. Without time to rest and recover it gets confused, malfunctions, I’m not unique in this, it happens to everyone, but my malfunctioning tired and confused brain feeds the wrong thoughts back at me and I become anxious and paranoid and negative towards my tired body, which also just needs a rest.
I’ve known that sleep deprivation is linked with a trigger for poor mental health for me for a while but it took me ages to figure it out. Years ago I used to live with a group of girls and we used to have parties all the time, I never got a good night’s sleep and my moods were like a roller coaster, although the parties were fun, I hated myself a lot of the time…
I try and ensure that my work, rest and play is more balanced these days but it’s not always possible, this week’s lack of sleep was completely unplanned and unavoidable, and I still have to go to work and deal with all the usual commitments
So today I tell myself that these feelings are only temporary and that I need to look after myself and get some sleep. I finish work, get in my pyjamas, catch up on the week’s TV, eat some nice food and get an early night, and hope for a better tomorrow….