I’m expecting my period. Any day now it will happen. In the whole baby making process this is the most miserable part for me, the week before it comes. Every month I try not to get excited, or hopeful and do my best to behave suitably chilled out about it, sentences like “I’m not bothered, it’ll happen when it happens” “it would be kind of inconvenient to fall pregnant this month anyway” “I highly doubt I’ll be pregnant this time” come out of my mouth in vague and noncommittal tones, like it’s not important at all. However secretly I’m googling every symptom I could maybe possibly have with the words am I pregnant next to it? Hiccups – am I pregnant?
Back ache – pregnant?
Tired – pregnant?
Forgetful – baby brain?
The list goes on and on. It sucks because every month my list of symptoms convince me I must be up the duff, and although I try not to think about it I find myself day dreaming about how we will tell our parents and friends and how life will change. Then I come crashing down with the realisation that I’m always tired! I’m always forgetful, my back always hurts and I’m probably going to face another disappointing month!
Once it comes I can get over it pretty quick, I’ll spend probably a day lamenting my misfortune but I can actually talk about it, tell my husband I’m gutted, moan to my friends about how it’s never gonna happen, have a mopey day and then give myself a good talking to, pick myself up and try again the next month. It’s this waiting for disappointment I struggle with. I don’t really have any solutions or anecdotes on how to make it easier or how best to deal with it. In my head I’m sure I must be pregnant, but it hasn’t happened yet and then I’m overcome with the terrifying anxiety that maybe it might never happen, that for us, it’s not possible for some reason, it’s a rollercoaster, and one I know that hundreds of women all over the world are on with me. A friend told me recently that TTC was the most stressful time in her life, she said her best advice to me was to try and forget all about it and hope it happens quickly! She’s right, it can happen quickly or it take take ages, but we have no control over it, you just have to get on with it I guess, try and occupy your mind with other things, keep faith and keep trying…