I have been really struggling with positivity recently. I’ve been thinking a lot about the accident and I guess I’ve been grieving, not because someone’s died, because they haven’t, but grieving because sometimes really really shit things happen to really really good people and I can’t understand why. I will write about it when I can find the words, at the moment I can’t. Life has been an uphill slog recently. It’s been full of fake smiles and early nights, grumpy exchanges between husband and wife and a lot of lonely tears that no one knows about, except for maybe my faithful pup, sitting by my side whilst the tears fall. I talk all the time about how it’s best to get things out, to release stuff and not let it build up, not shrug it off and pretend that everything’s ok, and actually that’s just what I’ve been doing, pretending I’m ok, when actually all I feel is sad, tired and worried for the future. It’s not all bad though, and I don’t want this post to be a pity party.
I woke up today in nothing but my pants, covered by a cosy duvet, my husband cuddling me and my dogs little furry head snuggled into my chest, a tiny bit of dawn smiling through the window at me. The fact that I didn’t have pajamas on is really important, I can’t sleep without clothes unless I’m really relaxed, that kind of super sleepy, hygge type of feeling you get when you’ve had a lovely long walk in the sun, then lots of nice food and wine by an open fire before going to bed, which is exactly what I did yesterday, so I woke this morning feeling light and like I’d shed some of my worry, not sure why, something just felt like it had shifted in me, I danced to Jake Bugg whilst washing up and put makeup on for the first time in weeks. I’ve been looking forward to today, we went for lunch with some lovely friends who we haven’t seen in way too long,it was lovely to catch up and I really enjoyed myself. My older sister joined us with her two youngest girls, my sister and I have had our differences as most sisters do but we’ve always been pretty close. At the moment I just want to look after her, I wish I could wave a wand and fix everything for her, fix my nephew.
We had a good day, we smiled and laughed and I enjoyed catching up with my friends. I had a trip up to the hospital to visit my nephew in the evening and I’m ending the day in bed trying to write about my day whilst my husband plays on his PlayStation down stairs.
This post is a bit of a ramble and there is no point to it, but it’s not pointless, it’s kind of a reflection of my feelings right now, which all totally contradict each other, a bit lost, a bit bewildered, a bit positive, a bit hopeful if you’re still reading well done, its hard going! It’s just a little fragment of my tired and confused mind today. Good moments come, bad times come, we have to hold on to those good moments to help us counterbalance the bad, it’s those good moments that make life magical