I’ve been feeling shit for a couple of days, I had just chalked it up to trying to get used to a new routine, a new commute, earlier mornings than usual, a cold February week, my legs are really achy from the extra walking and I’m shattered, there’s another day to go as well, until the weekend where I get that magical lay in-which leads me to the question, have I done the right thing? There is no question that I had to leave my old job,it was making me so unhappy, and I very much like the new one,but I changed jobs to give myself a better quality of life and if the travelling makes me so tired I can’t do anything that just defeats the object….anyway, last night saw the arrival of that pesky period, and although it would be very difficult to tell my new boss that I was pregnant on day 4 of my new job, I was still a bit disappointed. That’s the irony out the whole baby making process isn’t it? Your chances improve the less stressed you are, yet it’s one of the most stressful situations to find yourself in, and when that pesky time arrives you feel gutted, and you’re also full of PMT, and hormones so you feel horribly low anyway. It’s rubbish.My boobs are so sore! My tummy hurts and tonight I’m wondering what’s so great about having kids anyway? Why would we want a tiny pink screaming human that makes you fat,tears it’s way out of you leaving you scarred and sore and spends the rest of its life causing you sleepless nights and draining all your money? Do we even want that? And if my boobs are this heavy and sore now, how much worse would they feel filled with milk? How will I cope? My mental health wouldn’t cope with all the stress. I’m too old for it all now anyway and probably can’t have them. Best get the idea out of my head now to avoid further disappointment later on. We really can’t afford one anyway….
….I really mean all of this stuff, but yet every inch of me wants to make that tiny pink human, wants to meet the part of me that I haven’t even created yet and can’t wait to create them, clearly not this month, maybe not next month, but soon, please let it be soon. I’m so ready for it, dispite fears and worries I want to be a mummy.
My age is really worrying me at the moment, I’m feeling like I’m almost middle aged and really should have thought about all of this stuff sooner in my life, Have I done it all wrong by waiting until now to think about children? The little optimist inside me has given way and let the neurotic worrier take centre stage this evening. But before I write the same miserable “I got my period” post as I usually do I’m going to call The Optimist back to the stage to tell me why getting my period this time is actually a good thing…
Since coming off the pill 6ish months ago I have had this ridiculously long cycle, which is annoying but this period has come early, which means my cycle is becoming shorter and I guess therefore that my body is adjusting to not having the pill. So that’s gotta be a good thing right? There’s so many little people in my head this evening, Optimist, telling me it’s all going to be ok, Worrier, constantly asking me questions I can’t answer, Fear, who thinks of all the awful and unknown possibilities and Id who just wants to go to sleep because it’s all too much for one night. I think I’ll take Ids advice tonight, tucked up in bed with my dog snuggled into my belly and hopefully I can have a chat with Realist and Rational in the morning ❤️