I didn’t expect to be waking up with the January blues on day 2 of the year, but that’s what happened. It’s the last day of my holiday but instead of enjoying a lay in I was wide awake at 6.30 this morning, my little brain ticking over everything that’s happened over the last few months, thinking about my new job, a total career change… Am I nuts? Changing my job at the same time as trying to have a baby? I’m giving up an enhanced maternity payment in my current job and how can I afford to do that? Can I really leave the arts? Is it going to drive me insane not being an arts professional anymore? What the fuck am I doing? Will I ever have babies anyway? I’m 36, is it too late to start a family? Are we too poor? Too irresponsible? Why didn’t we start earlier? So many questions and anxieties. My morning was spent mulling over these anxieties until I felt like I had done everything wrong,cleaning my messy house, my mind wouldn’t stop comparing my life to everyone else’s and coming up short.
So when these moments come – and they will come – they happen to all of us now and again, what do we do about them?
Well what I did was to stop for a minute and look around, pause to appreciate what I have, my house is a mess, needs work, and is full of crap, but it’s also full of love and my nice things. Then we stuck our wellies, big coats and sunglasses on and went out for a walk in the woods with our dog, friends and their adorable little girl. It was freezing cold and the low sun shone over everything. A lovely way to blow the cobwebs away, after splashing in muddy puddles and chasing our dog we came back home, warmed up with hot chocolate and chatted and laughed until the sun went down.
Now my husband and I are sat in our pajamas, eating cheese and biscuits and those negative thoughts couldn’t be further away.
Do I still have all those questions about whether I’m making the right choices in my life? Yeah,sure I do. I’m terrified about the thought of becoming a parent, but equally terrified of not becoming a parent. A new career is scary, and not particularly well timed, who knows what will happen next, but I’m absolutely sure that whatever comes next, at this moment, I’m right where I need to be….