Since I started to let go of some of the shit that I felt was holding me back it’s pretty magical what has happened.
I’m way less uptight and starting to be a little more confident about speaking my mind, but am still more inclined to just let it go and not let it bother me, I genuinely feel more relaxed, happier, and also a bit healthier (although as I’ve already said I need to work more on that) and I am generally less worried about what people think of me, but the most amazing thing is my fears seem to be less too. I’ve noticed a couple of things lately….
I have terrible paranoia and it normally takes about 3 attempts to leave the house because of my worry about making everything secure, than once I’ve left I without exception get half way to work and convince myself that I’ve left the oven on/the front door open/the hair straighteners on/something life threatening to the dog on the floor (there’s nothing that could hurt our dog in my house but Paranoia is a bitch) so have to trundle all the way back to triple check everything, which is always all locked/off/secure and then start the walk to work again… This can happen 2 or if I’m extra tired 3 times in a morning, it’s exhausting. However, I have noticed for the last three weeks it hasn’t happened once – I’ve double checked everything before I leave, and don’t get me wrong, I’ve had the odd flicker of panic on my way to work about the front door etc, but I’ve managed to keep it in check and tell myself it’s an irrational fear and carry on my journey to work. I’ve not turned back once! And guess what – the house hasn’t blown up.
The other thing is spiders… I know I’m in good company with my total phobia of spiders, I’m terrified of them, I scream when I see one in my house and God help me if they move. I won’t kill them as they deserve to live too! I’m too scared to even put a cup over them to put them outside however this morning I managed to dispose of not 1 but 2 massive ones from my bathroom using a cup and some cardboard, this sounds easy but is a huge thing for me! It wasn’t pleasant – I did break into a sweat – but I did it with minimal fuss – That progress is in itself amazing!
However I still find myself getting overly anxious about being stuck in the same situation of not having been able to get pregnant yet and the overarching problem of being in a job where I’m never going to get the chance to show my skill, passion and creativity – I suppose these are normal anxieties to have, and really these problems are what started me on my little journey. I think I’m becoming a happier person, and a more positive outlook on life that is way more helpful to those around me. But in the long run I want what I want. I truly believe that if you work hard for something, are brave and kind then the universe will open up and help you find what you need… So universe, I’m trying really hard, I’d like a healthy baby and a nice new job please….
Work your magic x