A Journey…

I’m not pregnant, I hate my job and I’m generally worrying about life. I think it’s pretty safe to say I’ve got the blues, I know there isn’t a lot I can do about it all apart from keep trying to get pregnant, keep looking for the right job and keep the faith that things will all work out in the end. It’s all about waiting and trying but I’m out of patience and and quite frankly exhausted from fighting the suffocation of negativity and anxiety so today I’m trying to write something about positivity.I’ve always suffered with depression so I’ve spent a long time striving to learn the secrets of a positive attitude.

I’ve tried it all, therapy, reiki, positive affirmations, future planning, telling myself everything happens for a reason, changing my appearance, retail therapy, playing find the good in the bad, art journaling…. It all works, to an extent, but I know i can’t get any further with my path to an enlightened and positive attitude until I really really really believe in myself, and therein lies the hard part.

I know all of the things that I should do to keep my life positive and open my world up to possibility but my old friend depression always comes back.

I actually have a great life, I have loads of great friends and a really amazing family. I am surrounded by really special people and for that I’m really thankful, we’ve all been through alot together, good times and bad, but have had so much fun through the good and have found strength in each other through the bad. I take photos incessantly, it’s amazing how much happiness it brings me to look through those pictures and remind myself that I have a really blessed life. When I’m up I take a photo each day of something that makes me smile, to help me wade through the daily shit and remind myself what’s important, I write lists of things that make me happy each day, however small, it might be a smile from my husband, a wild flower, or a tv show, what ever keeps me going, when I’m up I’m really good at trying to love myself and feel optimistic.

However depression and anxiety are bastards, they don’t care how hard you work to overcome them or how wonderful your life might be if they weren’t around, they pop up whenever they please and trample all over your hard work and high spirits, so what do you do? I haven’t found a definitive answer yet, I guess there isn’t one, so I just keep on with my journey to positivity and self love, keep taking my pictures, making my lists, seeing my therapist (I see her out of my own choice not because anyone has told me I have to) getting reiki, maybe getting into some meditation, keep trying for the things I want in life, and enjoy the good times, when depression comes knocking I know that it isn’t the end of the world and it will pass, i have to look after myself during those times and not beat myself up, I have to keep telling myself that I deserve these things and I am good enough and one day it will sink in….

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